Wherever You Are

The summer before my first year of college, I had what I called “The Graduation Party of the Decade.” It was a day full of yard Twister and volleyball, buffalo chicken dip, time with friends and family, and, of course, I also received quite a few presents. The present that stands out the most in my mind was a small piece of parchment with calligraphy letters that my sister gave me. It has the words “Wherever you are, be all there,” and I packed it with all of my things and took it off to college with me. Coincidentally, the theme of my freshman orientation was “All In,” encouraging us to be physically, emotionally, and mentally present not only during orientation, but all of our college experience. And for the past few years, I’ve continually been reminded of the importance of presence.

But lately I’ve had an extremely difficult time being “all in.” I’ve found that despite where I physically am, I’ve been emotionally and mentally distant. Some of this probably stems from the end of semester busyness— dance rehearsals and performances, wrapping up extracurricular responsibilities, and preparing for exams. But I think some of it also comes from friends and family being far away. I have relationships with people in other parts of the state, other states entirely, and even different countries, and not a day goes by when I don’t wish that I could just see them in person, not having to schedule a time for a call or FaceTime.

My lack of presence, however, isn’t only focused on present tasks and relationships, but also the future. By recently dropping my minor and carrying AP credits into college, I’ve been given the opportunity to graduate a semester early, meaning I’ll be graduating at the end of this year in December. While I’m beyond excited to forge a path outside of my university walls, it’s turned me into a list-making maniac. My journal is quickly filling up with lists about possible jobs, locations of jobs, locations I do or don’t want to live, and an overall to-do list full of moving tasks. How can I be “all there” when my life feels like a constant cycle of making lists for the present and future, the only goal being to cross things off of those lists?

I think it’s impossible to be completely mentally and emotionally present where you are physically simply because of human nature. However, in looking back upon my last few years in college, it’s definitely been easier, and maybe that ease came from not having as many meaningful relationships or responsibilities and to plan for the impending future. It feels like the more things and people there are to care about, it becomes more and more difficult to be “all there.” I’ve been trying to brainstorm small ways to remedy these feelings of stress and just being overwhelmed, and I think we’ll start with meaningful self-care and conversations. Self-care because I can’t forget about myself in the list of things and people I care about, and conversations to be honest with others about the overwhelm and anxiety I’m feeling. It’s a bit stressful to want to feel “all there” when you don’t even know where “there” will end up being, but I think it’s a worthwhile journey to improve myself, my relationships, and my overall emotional and mental wellbeing.